Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Unexpected Unconsciousness Bares It’s Teeth.

Jack Ross. Who is Jack Ross? Sitting in a claustrophobic inducing cubicle filing mounds of various company papers, I ponder this question. I have been seeing Jack Ross for the better part of month and I have realized that I know nothing important about this man. I know that he is slightly arrogant, speaks at great lengths about his views on life ( which are a bit peculiar to me), a extremely generous tipper, and possess a strange talent for remembering all the lyrics to any Genesis song ever written. This information is great to know ( even if it is slightly bewildering) but despite all the following I am at a loss to the man saying my name with such convincability is. I spend my lunch break in my makeshift office staring down at blank sheets of copier paper trying to decifer what has become an enigma to me. Or so it begins this way. Half way through my decifering I find my mind wondering. Suddenly I find myself on a Belizean Beach being served a rum and coke by a barely clothed male stranger whose face I can't not see. This fantasy is unnerving to me because the scantly clad man has the same scar on his right forearm as Bryan. Bryan recieved this battle scar ( as he calls it ) when a ex girlfriend once stabbed him with a letter opener . It might sound bad but Bryan probably deserved it.
I join reality disappointed in my day dreaming ability . I relay the days events to Willow that night. After some deep psychological diving on the Bryan in the daydreams situation , she informs me that I am just trying to find a reason to leave Jack Ross far behind. Possibily true. She begs me to ask him my questions and comfront my unsteadiness of our blossoming relationship before I throw another successful and intelligent man away in return for a night alone staring at the Arkansas night sky wondering when my life was going to begin. That night I spend my hours staring out my window at the Arkansas night sky listening to "At Last" by Etta James over and over again trying to desperatly to drown the noise of my thoughts flowing ever so freely through my mind. I finally find slumber some time around midnight.
The next night I am out with Mr. Jack Ross and his anomalous views. We find ourselves at one of the many Jazz clubs that can be found scattered among Little Rock's night life. I have to admit that it was a fun time. There was sharing and I finally comfronted the fear of Jack that I had. After way too much information exchanging and free flowing music I found myself at the door of Jack's high rise apartment. Jack obviously had never heard of modest living. I watched him fumble charmingly with his keys and took in the environment. He opened the door slowly and motioned for me to enter. I took one step forward. A few moments later I awoke on the floor of his fabulous apartment building hallway. Jack was kneeling next to me saying my name in a rather loud voice that cut into my head. It took a few moments for me to realize that I had fainted.
"Fainted?" Emma questioned as I told the story to my friends the next morning over Emma's all Vegetarian breakfast. Willow pushed to remind me that this had happened to me many times before. " You fainted when Grant gave you your first kiss in fourth grade, when caught walked in on your mom and stepfather engaged in carnal activities, when your grandfather died, when you accidently got locked in that chruch at your mother's fourth wedding..." I stopped Willow. I had gotten the point I don't handle situations very well. I question though why did I faint at Jack's. I knew what was going to happen. I was fine with it. It had been mutally intiated. What was so different about this time that made it something I couldn't handle consciously? Willow and Emma came up with their different and rather dramatic theories. Only to leave more confused than I had been before the morning had begun. What is a girl to do?

Friday, July 01, 2005

A Lately Acquired Postcard


Dear Ember,
Hey, How are you? I hope that you are doing oh so well. I love this postcard with the cat picture. I think it is a really amazing drawing. I can't believe my time in London will be over soon! It is kind of sad because the weather is finally getting nice. But I do miss my fam ( and my fish!). I'm going to go to Paris soon- Exciting!
I'll get to see the Mona Lisa- I have wanted to see it for a while so that is really exciting. I really do hope that you and Willow are taking my absence well. I will be back before you know it. Tell me if you have any request from France. Do you get the book I sent you from WaterStones?
Love Ya, Emma.




The above is a postcard that Emma got me from London, England. A postcard which I didn't recieve until she arrived back home and handed it to me because she is an oddity. Don't ask me to explain I am not even sure how to begin. The picture is an illustration from Rudyard Kipling's(1865-1936) "The Cat that walked by Himself". It is one of my favorite post cards.


Saturday, June 25, 2005

A picture of historic arkansas


This is an old movie theatre in Arkansas near where I live.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Vehemence run a muck

The last few weeks of my life have been devoted to politics. This is not due to any personal need or guilt for spending the majority of my early years running for the door when politics entered the air. It is due to the simple fact that when those around me develop a fervor for some humanitarian cause I some how get caught up in their craze. Often unwilling aiding in their ardor, before they grow weary of the cause at hand and abandon it for another cause. This becomes of vicious cycle which leaves a confused and rather exhausted me in the wake. Emma, devoid of job and obviously anything better to do, convinced me ( and by convinced I mean that she pestered and threatened until I finally gave in ) to attend a Libertarian Socialist meeting. Now Emma has been many things within the political spectrum. She started as democrat . Then when we gratuated from High School she meet Luka and became a Communist. Then she dated Matthew who soon converted her to a Republican. She joined the Green party after she caught Matthew with another woman. She became a Marxist then recently found her way back the communism group that she had left. Socialism has become her new interest. So I go to meeting and take in the ideals that flow from their tongues. I am amazed that the intensity of their passion for their causes. I wish that I could feel that intensity. That drive. Emma is of course euphoric. Emma has talked me into me things. I became a vegetarian when she did. I marched in numerous protests ( even if we were the only two protesting) and once every year she cleans out my entire closet, donating almost everything I own to the some non profit organization of her choice. She is the reason Willow and I use to foster animals for our local shelter , before we discovered that Ben was highly allergic to dandur. Emma is one of my dearest and closest friends but being caught up in all of this vehemence run a muck is completely driving me mad. I have yet to come up with a solution. I wonder if I ever will.
To make my life even more choatic than already is I get a suprise phone call from someone I haven't seen in a while. As Willow, Ben, Fuller and I are getting ready to watch Willow's all time favorite film " Splendor in Grass", my phone rings and on the other end of the line I hear my little brothers voice. Now my brother Noah and I haven't spoken in years. I prefer it that way. My brother is not exactly what one would call a decent human being. At only 19 he has managed to find himself in enough trouble to last the normal human being a life time. He is not exactly violent as much as he is just petty and stupid. He has some how managed to wander back into town and somehow ( but he is not sure how it happened) got caught up in a breaking and entering situation that may or may not have involved some intoxication, wielding of a banana as a weapon and avading, lots of avading. He was in jail again. After a large amount of bail money ( which I didn't have and had to borrow the bulk of from Emma's father) and some screaming, my brother, my friends and I arrived back at the apartment in enough time to the see the sun creeping in through the windows. After some muffled ( at least on my part) arguing with Willow, I inform him that he can stay here (My eye twitches here. My left eye always twitches when I get angry with Noah) if he behaves like a normal decent human being. What can I do? He is family. He makes his usual promises of change and pledges of goodness. I want to believe him. Willow gives both of us evil looks and retires to bed room with Ben in tow. I thank Emma ( or importantly her father since Emma has no money of her own or even a job) for everything, as she leaves. Noah says he needs to make a phone call, kisses me on the check, gives me a " Thanks sis" and closes himself up in my room. I stand in the living room next to Fuller who seems to be taking in the situation all too well. He knows to expect nothing less than complete choas, confusion, and over crowding from me and mine. " You gonna be okay?", Fuller says staring at me. " No, but I'll manage. I always do." Fuller and I stand there in an increasingly akward moment. You know the silences. Where it obvious that someone anyone should say something anything. I nod my head to nothing in peticular. I look up at Fuller. Just as he is about to say something. Ben comes hurling out of Willow's bedroom with a book hurling close behind. He opens the door, turns, screams at Willow that she is being complete ridiculous. Willow follows him screaming choice words questioning everything from their relationship to the way he washes his hair ( long story). Fuller and I fight back laughter as Willow slams the door and retreats back to her room.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Meeting Fuller

Today Willow , Emma and I decided to go shopping, a favorite past time of ours. We took a quick detour to the upstairs apartment occupied by Fuller. He moved in a couple of months and has since become a go to guy when we feel like being unreasonably bothersome and annoying. We don't knock before entering his two bedroom haven. He complaines that we never knock but Willow says it is his fault for never locking his door. We enter to find him dancing to M J's " Can't Stop to You Get Enough". He turns to find us mimicing his horrid dance ability. After some grunting and evil looks towards Emma , who he dislikes, he warms up to our presence and inquires about our reason for being there. " We need you to fix that sink again" says Willow as she digs through his collection of cds. " Again?", Fuller asks. We are constantly breaking something in our apartment this is the third time since Fuller moved that we have asked him to fix that stupid sink. Normal people would naturally talk to the super about plumbing problems within the building but Willow and I have developed an unhealthy fear and paranoia about the 50 something year old super that leaves across the hall from us. Jerry, the super, has one of those lazy eyes that really can't focus on anything so when he looks at you , he is also looking at the person next to you. It freaks us out. Not to mention the guy is a slight oddity. He steals the tenants newspapers. Willow and Emma, who have nothing better to do but to watch the next door neighbors live out there rather boring exsistences, have come to conclusion that he is some sort of serial killer that chops up his victims and hides them under the floor boards. I am highly doubtfull that this theory would ever hold up to any logic. I beg Fuller to help us out so that we don't have to knock on creepy Jerry's door. He finally agrees. After a small amount of teasing from Emma and Willow at Fuller's expense, we finally head out the door for a day of shopping. I turn and smile at Fuller as we leave. " What would he do if we didn't constantly bother him?" inquires Willow. " He would sit at home and grunt and dance horribly to terrible songs. We make his life interesting. " Says Emma. We spend the day jumping for store to store between the river market and commerce street. We end our day at a sex toy shop. There Willow picks Clint up a penis cape ( it is exactly what sounds like) and I end up dropping and breaking a farily expensive vibrator after ( for some odd reason) thinking that it was candle ( don't ask)and staring at it about ten minutes. I cringed at the loud nosie it made as it hit the linolem floor. I end my day with a purchases totaling over $100.
* a pair of amazing creme colored heels- $43
* a broken and useless vibrator - $40
* a t- shirt that Emma couldn't see me live without $23
* and a green skirt with a tan flower that would look amazing with the creme colored heels but that I will never be able to wear because Willow has had her eye on it and her mind on borrowing it since we left the store- $34
All and All it was a normal day. We return home tired but euphoric. Willow calls Ben ( the fourth time today). Emma orders Chinese food. I check my messages. Three text messages from Crazy Dave ( I dated a couple of times), just wondering where I am. One voice message from Hairy Bob, asking me out for next weekend. And a meesage from Fuller, telling me that he can't fix the sink right away but will get to it later this week. Fuller. Sometimes I wonder why he puts up with us.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Emma's Arrival

Horah! Emma has arrived! She arrived at our apartment early this morning. I was awoken out of peaceful sleep by the jabbing of her freakishly sharp fingernails, which she saw fit to push into my spine. Her trip to Chicago had been cut short due to her inability to be in her parents presence for an extended amount of time. In her words " It is not that I hate them. I love them. They , afterall, did push me forth from their loins.It is just that I would like to not have to be in any one place with them for say, more than the time it takes to cut me a check. What? I did my time under their roof. A girl needs to breath." I know that it sounds mean and frighteningly shallow and prehaps a bit ungrateful. However, Emma's parents are...well... they have a tendency to be bit suffocating . Unfortunatly since Emma is the only child she bares the brunt of all of this. There are somethings that one needs to know about Emma before a judgment can be made.
* Emma comes from a priveldged and wealthy family filled with ( her words) " Dreadfully pretentious and egotistical bastards who are ,to top it all off ,the most monotonous" people she has ever met.
* Emma doesn't have a job. Instead she relies soley on her parents to keep her in the life she is accustom to. Might I add they do a good job.
*Emma is a bit intense especially when it comes to her endeavors.She is an avid activist and volunteer. When she is not organzing a protest or taking a stand on something, she is helping to feed the homeless or some other prusuit of good will.
*Emma's father is an ex marine who embodies a drill sergent. On prom night he made Emma's frightened and confused date "drop and give him fifty" for not saying Sir when answering a question. Emma swears that she was mortally wounded by the event and carries scars with her even today.
* Her parents have spent the last few years lining up different suitors for her. All them seem to be lacking in a basic personality. Their reason for doing this is that according them Emma has a history of bad decision. By my standards this is untrue but when it comes to life altering screw ups in the decision making department I reign queen.
*Emma is an artist. She was a studio art major in college and spends her free time creating art that usually ends up in mine and Willow's apartment. Her parents hate this major and believe that it was a waste of time.
I have met her parents. They are a bit extreme and odd. Her mother's facial expressions never seem to change. I have to side with Emma on this one. So Emma arrived at our apartment with a small box of postcards and letters for Willow and I. Emma had recently visited Europe for a couple of months before stopping by Chicago to see her parents. Emma, and avid traveler, has never mailed us any postcards or letters. Instead she fills them out and then puts them away so that she can hands us them when she gets back home. I know strange..... why she does this I don't know. I have known Emma for a long time and I guess it takes time to get use to her oddities. I was glad to have Emma back. She is a kind of rock in a way. Always there. Always able to count on. Emma is not technically mine and Willow's room mate. She actually has an amazing apartment. Her parent's shell out a ridiculous amount of rent for her two bedroom highrise. She hates staying there though. She would rather spend her time in the modest apartments that are all Willow and I can afford. Sometimes I worry about Emma. Emma has always seemed so grounded. She always had it all together. There were very few situations that she couldn't handle but lately something seems off. I try to talk about it but avoids it by trying discuss my current problems. I am eventually going to confront her with everything and try to get something out of her but I have to be carefully. Emma doesn't express her feelings very well. I wonder if it is about Garret. I am sure I will figure something out.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Ordinary People

Ordinary people and their everyday actions have always intrigued me. I guess that is way I chose psychology as my major. With that degree I had hoped to emphasis my experience in criminal psychology and put it to use in a prision setting. My other option was the relatively new field of evolutionary psychology ( if interested check out The Moral Animal. Why We Are the Way We Are: The New Science of Evolutionary Psychology by Robert Wright. It is an insightful piece of literature genius). Although I have yet to pick a branch, I have not let it spoil my passion for either. Willow shares my passion for the marvel of psychology. Although she has decided to branch out and become a clinician in child psychology. Today I found myself at the park following the long paths stretched alongside the river. As vairous people pass by one can not help but ponder about them. Their fears? Their secrets? The words of Lacan, Skinner, Frued, Jung, Dobzhansky,and Frank dance through my mind. As if by instinct I begin the process of analysis. Examining and hypothesizing all the observations I take in. I wonder if I am the only person that does this.
A while later I am at an art store with Janey looking through repreductions and prints of Waterhouse. My favorite is Ophelia ( in the pond). Janey prefers the Destiny. Janey is a friend of a sort. I worked with her once and now we get together occasionally when she has free time. She doesn't have much between her husband, three kids, and a full time job. At only 30 Janey looks far older. I guess the stress of a family and a failing marriage can do that to a person. Janey and her husband have been married almost five years and the prospect of sixth year is bleak. I am with her today only because she called me crying last night because her husband refused to come home. " He is with his mistress. That whore!" she hisses. I wonder whether she is refering to the mistress or her husband. The only thing her husband had going for him was the size of his wallet and his genes ( which physically, are flawless). Despite his attractiveness and wealth you can smell the musk of infidelity on him. He is one of those men you know is going to cheat. She breaks down crying in the middle of a crowded store in between the Van Rijn prints and Vermeer prints.I worry about Jane. I have no advice to give her besides to get out if she is not happy. What can I do to help her?I wonder if marriage is worth it. If love is worth it. Maybe we are all better of alone. I guess the big question is do we risk everything ( sanity, heart, life and limb) for love or do you chose to keep yourself intact and lose somethingelse in the process? How much are you willing to lose for love?
"Lover and loving are inseparable and timeless.Although I may try to describe love,when I experience it, I am speechless.Although I may try to write about love, I am rendered helpless. My pen breaks, and the paper slips awayat the ineffable place where lover loving and loved are one.Every moment is made glorious by the light of Love."~Melvana Jalauddin Rumi( My favorite poet and one of greatest commentators on love and human habit)

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